DCG Is Being A Pest To My DD, But Not Being Naughty...

[MaritimeMummy]

I have a DCG who is almost 2.5. My daughter is 6 months older than her. DCG quite literally idolizes my daughter. She'd seriously follow my DD to the ends of the earth and back.

My daughter loved the attention...at first. Now she is getting frustrated with it. No matter where my DD goes, there is DCG. DD climbs up on the rocking chair, DCG climbs up next to her. DD climbs down and goes someplace else, DCG does the same. Even when the two are sitting on the floor looking at books, DCG will shuffle up as close as she can get to DD and I watch her, she constantly is looking at DD out of the corner of her eye, watching for any movement she can mimic. Everything DD says, DCG repeats. Both kids are pretty advanced for their ages and both have full vocabularies and concept understanding.

It's gotten to the point now where, a few weeks ago, DD loved DCG coming, and were best friends and did everything together. Now, DD is starting to feel smothered and doesn't want her to come, tries to spend as much time as possible away from her during the day, gets angry if DCG comes near her, and looks forward to her leaving. Both girls are SO well-behaved though.

What would be the best way to handle this? Is it really fair to separate them? Do I talk to DD to try to teach her to tolerate it? Or do I try to change DCG to make her understand that she has to give her DD's space when she asks for it? (Because DD asks her to go away but she doesn't listen to her. I have to say, "DD asked you to leave her alone, so please go find something else to do", but it only lasts for 2 minutes and she's back again). Or do I just try to let them work it out on their own...? This one seems unlikely to happen but I could be wrong...

[MaritimeMummy]

I guess I forgot to mention the most important part...it otherwise wouldn't be a problem but when DCG gets close to DD and DD is getting fed up with her and says she wants to be alone, and DCG doesn't listen to her, DD gets so frustrated she tries pushing her away or something else physical. DD is the furthest thing from an aggressive child, too, so something has to happen. I am getting tired of having DCG come running to me saying "DD hit me" when actually it was DD trying to get her out of her personal space, and having to explain myself to DCM.

[AnneCordelia]

I think it would only take a week or so, if you are diligent, to teach your dcg about personal space. I get annoyed too if someone were following me around, sitting next to me all the time and copying me. That would drive me batty! I would just be calm and firm about "please give dd space" when they sit too close, "one person on the rocker at a time", and "find something else to do". I would also schedule some activities that they can do together so they can learn to be tolerant of each other. But I don't think its a sin to want or to teach about personal space.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by KHiltz

I have a DCG who is almost 2.5. My daughter is 6 months older than her. DCG quite literally idolizes my daughter. She'd seriously follow my DD to the ends of the earth and back.

My daughter loved the attention...at first. Now she is getting frustrated with it. No matter where my DD goes, there is DCG. DD climbs up on the rocking chair, DCG climbs up next to her. DD climbs down and goes someplace else, DCG does the same. Even when the two are sitting on the floor looking at books, DCG will shuffle up as close as she can get to DD and I watch her, she constantly is looking at DD out of the corner of her eye, watching for any movement she can mimic. Everything DD says, DCG repeats. Both kids are pretty advanced for their ages and both have full vocabularies and concept understanding.

It's gotten to the point now where, a few weeks ago, DD loved DCG coming, and were best friends and did everything together. Now, DD is starting to feel smothered and doesn't want her to come, tries to spend as much time as possible away from her during the day, gets angry if DCG comes near her, and looks forward to her leaving. Both girls are SO well-behaved though.

What would be the best way to handle this? Is it really fair to separate them? Do I talk to DD to try to teach her to tolerate it? Or do I try to change DCG to make her understand that she has to give her DD's space when she asks for it? (Because DD asks her to go away but she doesn't listen to her. I have to say, "DD asked you to leave her alone, so please go find something else to do", but it only lasts for 2 minutes and she's back again). Or do I just try to let them work it out on their own...? This one seems unlikely to happen but I could be wrong...

Personally I NEVER get involved in these types of situations for several reasons:

Kids (both ddg and your dd) need to learn to deal with all sorts of social situations. Ggod and bad ones. They need to build those skills necessary to not be taken advantage of, to learn to ask for or decline friendships and/or relationships they want or don't want etc.....
Some people are givers and some are takers. Some people are needy and others need LOTS of space and being able to express that is a required skill in life.

Another reason I don't get involved is because what is "fair" to you or what you think the situation should or shouldn't be isn't necessarily what the girls (together and independently) want or think is fair. Kids need to know how to adjust to things, people and situations in a manner and way THEY can live with since they have to live with it and the consequences.

Plus, there is no physical meaness or behavior going on so I would help your dd learn to express her feelings and wants in a nice way but basically stand back and let them figure it out themselves.

I know it is hard because you are mom but I would bet that the way you see the situation is only half of what the girls each think or feel about it. Not saying it is worse, just saying it might not be as bad as it seems for your dd....kwim? HTH.

[jojosmommy]

Had the same issue with my own DS and DCB who is a few months older. At first they loved playing together. DCB has no concept of personal space which apparently was no issue at first. After a while of DCB being here my DS starting complaining when he knew DCB was coming to daycare. They have been in daycare together since I opened and my DS NEVER plays with DCB anymore. I seperate frequently, one plays in one room, one plays in another. My son does eveything to get away from said DCB because he can't take another minute of this kid in his personal space. Even to the point of being naughty just to be allowed a time out to get away from DCB.

I would not allow this kid to smother your kid but I agree that they should be allowed to TRY to find a way to solve the issue on their own. They do need to learn how to deal with some annoyances and learn how to politely work it out but if the DCK doesn't get it (which is true in my case) despite many efforts to teach him then you need to step in and handle it.

[Meyou]

I ignore this sort of thing other than to tell the kids to use their words and talk about the problem with each other. I also help with specific requests if a child needs their own space for a bit to set something up or just to relax. I don't let them ostracize other children but I do respect the fact that sometimes they may want to play quietly alone, or build blocks without babies stampeding or to read books without a friend chatting in their ear.

[Hunni Bee]

I don't know... Im annoyed reading it ( not annoyed with the dcg but I know it would bother me) but I cannot stand people in my space for too long. So I know I'd have to stay out of this one because my personal feelings would get im the way.

When I have space-violators, I just move them away and say "---- needs some space". I think kids are entitled to personal space and privacy, and shouldn't have to resort to physical agression to get it. Especially your dd, she shouldn't be annoyed to death in her own home.

That's just my opinion, but like I said I'm biased because that annoys the heck out of me.

[cheerfuldom]

I would get involved to small extent. your child is uncomfortable, what she is wanting it not outrageous, you have the opportunity to help the situation a bit.

i would work on it from both ends, teaching the younger one about personal space and the older about having patience with the younger child. you can teach them to do an arms length from one another....the put their arms straight out in front of them and have to stop when their hands reach the other person, so they then sit or play at an arms length from one another. your child gets their space, the younger one gets included without taking over.

the joy of having your own daycare is that you can help your own children through these situations. you dont have to be hands off if that approach doesnt appear to be working.

[Blackcat31]

I wanted to add that I posted before I saw the part about it becoming a bit physical. If that is the case, I would absolutely step in and tell DCG that your DD would like some space and to move off.

I would also try to maybe partner the DCG and your DD up with other play mates so the DCG can build relationships with others too.

I am ALOT like Hunni Bee and have a bigger bubble for personal space than most people and one of the biggest turn off's to me is needy, clingy friends so I feel for your DD big time!

[MaritimeMummy]

:-(

So, DCG is gone for the day.

I just asked DD if she likes DCG.

"Oh yes, I do. But she doesn't leave me alone, does she?"

Now THAT breaks my heart. She talks about DCG a LOT, they're good buddies, but it's just that personal space issue. My poor DD isn't even big on hugs, much less someone crowding her every minute of the day.

I don't know how many times DD had to escalate her voice to try to get DCG to get the message that she wanted some space. I HAD to intervene and say, "Sorry DCG, DD has already said many times she wants to be left alone, I need you to start listening when she asks you that".

I don't know, I've been using that phrase now for weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting through to her. :-(

[Lianne]

At my house we all have our 'bubble' which simply means our personal space. Your bubble is the space where, when you put your arm out straight in front of you, your hand reaches. If a child extends their arm and is able to touch the child crowding them, that child is in the other child's bubble. The first child can tell the crowding child that they are in their bubble. The offending child is then asked/expected to step back enough to not be touching the first child's extended hand. I find it really helps both sides to have/see a visual (the extended arm) to judge how close is too close.

I agree that these are the situations that children need to navigate through and solve for themselves. I'm available to support them and encourage them to sort the situation out on their own.

[Happy Hearts]

Perhaps Montessori styled play might be helpful. The children have their own floor mats that define their play space. here's a link to what I'm talking about: http://montessoritraining.blogspot.c...ons-of_18.html
In a nutshell, if a child chooses, he may use a floor mat to play. Other children may not walk on it or encroach upon it when it is in use. This might be helpful in your situation to define your child's space... in a nice way it says "leave me alone."
Hope this helps!!

[MamaBearCanada]

Could you set up something like a mat or hula hoop for your dd to retreat to when she's needing some space? I understand that kids need to try to work things out for themselves but at this age they also need help understanding boundaries. Your dd needs to feel comfortable in her own home.

[jojosmommy]

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

I am ALOT like Hunni Bee and have a bigger bubble for personal space than most people and one of the biggest turn off's to me is needy, clingy friends so I feel for your DD big time!

This is how I am too which is probably why I am so overprotective of my kids and their own space. Take 3 steps back and bug off. I can't stand it when someone is too close for comfort.

[Meyou]

Hmmmm...since your dd is clearly expressing she just needs a little space I would help her out. If your dd is using her words and doing everything she should to try to help herself without success then I would step in at that point and "help" DCG understand that DD needs a little space now. Then explain that that means she needs to play "over here" and dd will play "over there" and separate them for a little bit. Then if DCG still wasn't giving space I would gently help her find a new area and a new activity to play.

Not all the time of course but your dd sounds like she needs a little break during the day.

Maybe you could do a few activities where they are physically separated too. Coloring on opposite sides of the table, eating farther away from each other, asking dd to do one thing and DCG to do another and things like that.

[MaritimeMummy]

Originally Posted by Lianne

At my house we all have our 'bubble' which simply means our personal space. Your bubble is the space where, when you put your arm out straight in front of you, your hand reaches. If a child extends their arm and is able to touch the child crowding them, that child is in the other child's bubble. The first child can tell the crowding child that they are in their bubble. The offending child is then asked/expected to step back enough to not be touching the first child's extended hand. I find it really helps both sides to have/see a visual (the extended arm) to judge how close is too close.

I explained the bubble to them. They're now running around clapping their hands going "Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!" They think they are popping imaginary bubbles. :-S

DD is clearly expressing herself using her words. She says everything from, "DCG, leave me alone, please" to "GO AWAY I WANT TO PLAY ALONE!" DCG understands and speaks just as well as DD. She just chooses not to listen to her. I have been saying to her, "What did DD just say?" and have DCG repeat it. Then I say, "what does that mean you should do?" And at that point she gets it and moves away...for a minute. In one ear, out the other.

I like the mat idea if what I try with the bubbles doesn't work.